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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...