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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
make little things count. teach midgets math.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.