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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.