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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.