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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.