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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.