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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.