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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful