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Have you hugged you bartender today.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.