Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!