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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.