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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.