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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......