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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
i dont have drain bramage.