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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
´s status message is better than yours
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional