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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!