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I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(