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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.