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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…