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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I just awesomed all over the place.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."