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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.