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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.