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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.