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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.