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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.