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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?