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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.