Daily Silly Status

My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.

If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far

How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?

He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

I`m leaving my body to science fiction

First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.

I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.

Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav

Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.

I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.

I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.