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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
Your things are terrific.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time