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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes