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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.