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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.