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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.