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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I had your cake and ate it too.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.