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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!