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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.