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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.