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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Home is where the alcohol is.