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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.