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When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?