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We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...