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That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"