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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.