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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Do bees even have knees?
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.