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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here