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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
why me is me ?
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.