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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.