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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.