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Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Sweating is for people who do stuff.