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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Marriage tip: Don`t
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!