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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?