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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.