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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Been there, done that. allegedly
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.